A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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