Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
