i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
