I'm jealous of your bromance
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
