Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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