After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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