so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
