Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights