My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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