i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.