My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
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Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...