I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
