so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
