Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room