cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
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i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
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Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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