wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
