you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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