In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
