My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
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The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
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I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..