you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable