Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.