Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
