Im at strip club and am horny
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
3 2 1 whiskey
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
