that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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