I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
