Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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