we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
