Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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