Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
