I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
