she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
