I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
