i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
