I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
