Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
