I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
