oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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