What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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