Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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