Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
