Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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