So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
