i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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