I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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