When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
