I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
