there's paper in my vomit.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
