Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
