I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
