he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
