the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
