I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
