I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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