I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
