Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
