At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
