I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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