I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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