Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
