Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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